This article is about relationships, love, following what you value the most and perhaps a bit of craziness!
I just spent a wonderful weekend at my parents'
place where I go from time to time to say hello. And because it is summer time
my mum had harvested a lot of vegetables in her garden and handed over a full
bag for me to take home. I love vegetables! So... I had this heavy bag of
vegetables with me sitting beside my suitcase on the trip back home.
A trip of nearly three hours from the South to the
North; time passed really fast as I read an old book about love and
relationships, which I had bought when I split up from my first boyfriend, many
years ago. I was really in another world, deep in thought, in my imagination,
in these pleasant memories; it was like looking at a photo album and recalling
all the nice experiences and feelings behind it and almost being there again,
all the while realizing, while reading, how much I still needed to learn in
regard to authentic relationships (The book is by Colette Portelance, a
Canadian psychotherapist, by the way) . I realized how much I still have not
figured out in all these years. Never mind that, it is never too late!
Arriving in Zurich, I got off the train with my
rolling suitcase, jumped into the tram to go home, feeling light and happy.
Just in this short transition from the train to the tram, there were so many
poetic and romantic associations running through my brain, at the speed of
light. Suddenly I became aware of all the people and activities I love while
being in a very busy place: a train station on a Sunday evening, not a very
romantic place at first consideration. Yet, I felt very happy, very grateful in
that moment.
In the tram I sat down again happily and just
beside me, standing, there was an older man, sending alcohol waves in my
direction, evoking images of a sad Sunday afternoon sitting alone drinking. I
offered him my seat, but he politely refused. We gave each other a big smile. I
felt sadness when looking into his eyes, somehow I hoped that this smile was at
least, saving his day.
Finally I arrived at home, upon opening the front
door, I felt light and suddenly realized. Oh nooooooooooooo!!! I had forgotten
the bag of vegetables in the train. It couldn’t be true, this never happened to
me! I had apparently been completely daydreaming and on another planet all during
the trip. Yes, a special trip indeed! I had been in this state the whole way,
and had just forgotten the bag on the train. I couldn’t believe it and was
shocked. How could I have been so inadvertent and stupid? I felt suddenly very
bad, a sense of guilt came over me. There was no money, no credit cards, no
valuables in this bag. Oddly, it was only a bag full of different vegetables I
had just picked in the garden with my mum: borlotti beans, green salad, red
beets, tomatoes, zucchini blossoms, cucumber, spinach and blackberries.
I felt so sad, as I knew the work and time
invested: prepare the seeds, wait for the right season, plant the seeds, grow
the seeds and water the plants on a regular basis, harvest the final product,
wash it, clean it, transport it…
I thought, oh my god, I knew what my mother would
say, should she find out that I had forgotten this bag on the train. She would
be disappointed and make me feel even more guilty than I already felt. I had
somehow forgotten this bag, full of love , as I would define it, simply alone
in the train. Yes I had forgotten love unconsciously on the train. I had it the
whole time with me, but did not see it, did not notice it was there… how scary
to realize that. Mainly when I was in this particular search of love, exactly
then.
I quickly decided I wanted to find this bag again.
Upon arrival at home, only 5 minutes had passed realizing all the above. I
started phoning here and there to get support in the search of this bag. My
partner, a very dedicated person, quickly became my chauffeur. Indeed,
following the train was the best option and only he could drive me there (I was
unable to drive in my daydream and in the agitated state of a person who had
lost such an important part of herself!). He agreed to drive me to the next
planned stop of that particular train I had just been on. By chance it was only
stopping 1 hour later in the next closest city: St-Gallen. So we headed over
there. And finally exactly on time, one hour later, we arrived at the St-Gallen
train station just before the train was about to enter the station. I was so
happy that we had managed to arrive on time, I had been worried during the
drive that there would be evening traffic jam delaying us.
Upon arrival I ran from the parking lot to the
arrival platform of the train. I was somehow confident to find the bag of
vegetables as the train had not made any stops; therefore there was low
probability that someone had noticed the bag and taken it with them, I thought.
And in the end, it was only a bag full of vegetables. Who would be interested
or attracted to that, really? (I was apparently the only one, who was connected
to these vegetables and the emotion linked to them in relation to the love my
parents had invested). Yes it was like I would be eating love, my parents'
love, with these vegetables. I couldn’t imagine for a minute that these
vegetables would land in the bin. No way, as it was too precious for me. Oh
god, it sounds almost like eating christus corpi at church. A particular
connection to food.
I found the correct wagon where I had been sitting
just an hour before right away. All the passengers had gotten off. I boarded
the train, went up to the higher level, and to my surprise it was empty. No bag
to be found. I couldn’t believe it. It was clear to me that nobody would ever
have stolen such a bag. Although … if they knew that it was full of love
inside, they might have. But they hadn't, I was sure. I ran quickly to the next
wagon, thinking I might again have been mixed up and still be in a daydreaming
or agitated mode. Again nothing. Went to a third wagon. Again, no bag. I
decided to run through the length of the train (it was almost half a kilometer)
to search for the conductor. He might know where my bag was. Nobody all way
through. The train was empty as it was the end station. But the cleaning crew
was there. Happy to see human faces, I decided to ask one of them where I could
find the conductor to ask about a lost bag. This man, in his 50’s, not speaking
German very well but well enough to understand me and also communicate with me,
was very helpful. He told me to wait 2 minutes as he had to do his work and
empty the garbage in the train. He asked me to go to the office of the
conductor just 50 m ahead and vaguely pointed in the direction. Two minutes
seemed an eternity to me, mainly knowing that this train was only due to stay
10 minutes in the station. I quickly ran towards the office. I met other two
cleaning men on the way, and I asked them where the office entrance was. They
gently showed me the way. In the meantime the helpful cleaning man was ready
and had the key to open this private office space. We went up the stairs and I
arrived in a large lounge room for employees of the railway. There were two
relaxed conductors in the lounge waiting for their shift. He asked them if any
bag had been found in the train which had just arrived. Both of them nodded their
heads no, apologizing for not being able to help me further. There was another
rather bizarre conductor who was in a hurry to leave the room and was looking
down the whole time. I found him somehow different than the two others in the
lounge. He was apparently not willing to get into a conversation and eager to
go home; it was 8 pm on a Sunday night after all. He wanted to go home as
quickly as possible. Understandable. While I was already going towards the
stairs, I turned when the other two conductors called me. They told me that
even the conductor of the train, the strange man, had not found anything on the
train. The strange conductor told me, avoiding my eyes, that noting had
been found. He was focused on what he needed to do: to exit the office. So I
went out of the office together with him, while he repeated not to have found
anything. I gently thanked him, despite my disorientation. I had believed it
was possible but apparently it wasn’t. I did the same with the cleaning man,
thanking him for his gentle and dedicated support. He obviously could see my
disappointment and my sad face (yes, for only a bag of vegetables!). I was
wondering how it was possible that this bag had disappeared, when I had checked
all possibilities: checking the wagon I had been in myself, asking the cleaning
man, the conductor, having looked on the platform if it had been left there,
having seen the people getting off (I would have seen this big green plastic
bag weighing about 10 kg, hard to hide really).
Just to be sure again, I went back to the wagons and
checked again, in case I had overlooked the bag somehow or if it had been
moved. I had to pay attention to the time, as the train was about to leave
again in a couple of minutes. Empty. Blackout. Surprise. I had tried everything
I could think of to find this bag. So I went out of the wagon, pressing on the
exit button. I told myself, now you have to accept that it is not possible to
find this bag. These were sad milliseconds. Realizing: it is really lost.
Realizing: I cannot find it, despite my will, my efforts in asking so many
people and despite their helpfulness. Now go home, I said to myself. I got off
the train. I had abandoned the search. Sad. When I was getting off the train,
just in from of me I saw the gentle cleaning man with a coworker, who was, to
my surprise, carrying my green vegetable bag. From a deep down feeling, a sense
of deep joy reached me. The bag was found. Hurrah!! All is possible, never give
up! It was true! They explained to me briefly that the bag had been taken by
another worker while cleaning the wagon. Honestly I did not want to know the
story, the beloved bag was there, back with me. I was so grateful to these two
men, that I almost wanted to kiss them for joy. I realized it might not be very
appropriate and also might be misunderstood. After all, it was only a bag full
of vegetables. I thanked them from the heart and took the heavy bag with me.
They left, laughing loudly … I can understand they were wondering why someone
would search so eagerly for a bag apparently only full of vegetables. I was
funny to them. I knew deep inside me that the answer was invaluable love!
